The Single Dilemma

No one ever told me. I never knew. It would have been super helpful if someone, anyone, would have sat me down and explained how this whole "single" thing would go. A simple, "Hey Lindsay! So you know how you are going through a divorce and the end result will be that you will no longer be married and will then be classified as single...well if you hit a certain age (26/27) and are still single, that is going to freak out a lot of people around you and the pressure to get married and start a family will be, at times, unbearable. Just a heads up!" would have sufficed and prepared me for what lay ahead. Well maybe not totally prepared me, but at least taken some of the mystery and surprise out of it. The word "surprised" really doesn't adequately describe it. Words like "horrify", "humiliated", "confused", and "exasperated" would probably be a bit more accurate. One the most frequent (and probably least favorite) things I hear from people is, "How are you still single??" To which my reply is usually, "I don't know, you might want to call my ex-husband and ask him why he didn't want me." Ok, ok - I don't reply like that (it would make things a little too awkward), but I really really want to one of these days! If nothing more than to enjoy the shocked look on the other person's face! =) I usually reply something like this, "Haha (awkward/uncomfortable giggle), well, I just haven't met anyone that I feel I should pursue a relationship with." I get that the people saying these things to me are coming from a place of good intentions. Usually after they ask me about my singleness they follow up with a list of reasons that make me the most eligible bachelorette at DirecTv (yes the above conversation almost always inevitably ALWAYS happens at work). It is flattering, but most of the time I just wish that people would leave me alone about it.

The truth and the real answer behind the whole single thing...I am just not ready. I am not ready to get out there and face a world of dating which almost always comes with the fear of rejection, confusion, pressure, and a whole slew of other emotions and situations that I am just not ready or willing to put myself through. I have been extremely reluctant to even go on first dates but had no idea how un-ready I was until a recent attempt at rejoining the single scene. Five dates, 2.5 weeks - all with the same person. Not bad...I can't tell you how to lose a guy in 10 days but I am sure I could write a 5 part series on how to lose him in 17.5! This is the break down:

Met some guy through a friend. Says he wants to learn about DirecTv plans. Send him an extremely professional message on Facebook. He adds me as a friend and subsequently asks me out. I say yes...wait! What am I doing?? No, no, no! This can't be a date! No dating! How do I get out of this? It would be rude to cancel so here goes nothing!!!

First Date: Fun! A little nervous but that is normal, and he is a super nice guy so that makes it a bit easier.

Second Date: Again, Fun! Still super nervous. Drop popcorn all over theater floor, again super nice guy so it turns out ok.

Third Date: Uh oh...I could get into real trouble here. Not only super nice guy, easy to talk to, but also super easy to look at...not good, not good at all...probably a good time to start pushing away...

Fourth Date: Big trouble...starting to kinda like him...no good can come of this! Quick! Act like an idiot, tell him about all your issues...talk incessantly about your ex-husband, talk 100 miles an hour, forget to breathe, RUN!!!!!!

Meeting in Group of People: too much pressure, can't breathe, they keep calling me his girlfriend...NO!!! Run!! You can't be someone's girlfriend!! That means you are in a relationship!! Relationships mean extreme, excruciating pain!! They all want us to be "together"! I am not ready for that! Where do these people get their big ideas anyway??? I just met them 10 minutes ago! He is awfully cute but he scares the crap out of me! Quick! Continue to act like a blonde bimbo who has taken her brain out and forgot where she had it last! Start overcompensating and over analyzing everything. Apologize 50 times a day for non-issues that you shouldn't even be apologizing for in the first place!

Fifth Date: Relief!! He isn't ready for a relationship either. Thank goodness! I am going to leave for Women of Faith and never think about him again! Hooray for girl's weekends! Wait a minute! Now I really get to over analyze...why did he ever ask me out in the first place?? He pursued me! I have spent the last 2.5 weeks desperately trying to avoid all of this! Spend the entire "girl's weekend" texting back and forth. Kinda twitterpated. HELP!!! SOS!!! Where's the PANIC Button?!?

Come back home and continue to over compensate, say stupid crap, freak out, and act like an idiot until it all comes to a head and there you have it...how to lose a guy in 17.5 days!

When am I going to be ready to take on another date, another situation where I am vulnerable and will inevitably embarrass myself??? I have no idea. I am well aware that it has been 2 years and 10 months since I left Seattle. I am well aware that my divorce has been final for 2 years, 5 months, and 3 days. I know that I am "behind" for my age. I get that most 27 year olds are getting married, already married, or having babies. Right now, that doesn't matter to me. Sure, someday I would love to fall in love again, get married, have 2.5 kids, buy a house with a white picket fence, wear an apron, and bake pies. I am just not sure this is my time for that. Shouldn't I figure out a few things like, for example, my need to run and self destruct every time a cute guy who I could potentially fall for comes into my life?? I don't know about you, but I see my behavior as sort of a problem. For now, I see dating as an unnecessary emotional risk. So to all of you who's need for me to get married and have kids is stronger than the need I feel for those things...I am going to respectively ask you to keep it to yourself. I have enough anxiety without you telling me I am failing at yet another aspect of my life.

Thank you!

Time For a New Playlist

I was going through my iTunes tonight and was a bit shocked at what I found! Please observe the following titles and tell me if you see a theme:

Best Thing I Never Had
Rolling in the Deep
Someone Like You
Irreplaceable
Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)
You Give Love A Bad Name
Forget You
I Never Told You
Damaged
I'm Gone
Independent Woman
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Living For The Night
Only Lonely
Broken Vow
Tonight I Want To Cry
You'll Think of Me
Best Days of Your Life
Never Again
Goodbye
As You Turn Away
Probably Wouldn't Be This Way
Better in Time
Apologize
So What
Who Knew
Just Like a Pill
Against All Odds
Myself Without You
A Little Bit Stronger
Un-Break My Heart

Now I can assure you that the above list isn't even 1/3 of the songs that I own of a similar theme. I am starting to think that as much as I love the tortured soul songs, it might be time to get something besides bitter, divorce chick anthems on my playlist. Judging by the above songs, I better act quickly before I find myself downloading Alanis Morsette albums, drinking red wine alone in a dark room, and wearing black every day in an effort to express my tortured soul!!

Taking A Break From All The Hotness

I have been so focused on my weight loss blog, that I totally spaced that I had this one! Not that I am under any impression that this blog has been missed, but I thought it might be time to talk about things that don't involve the words operation, moody, or hotness in them!

It has been 7 months since my last blog and that 7 months has been a roller coaster. I became an aunt for the first time, started new projects at work, tried and epically failed at dating, lost my grandpa, went to a Women of Faith Conference, said good bye to an entire state, and finally...changed my name!

So...ya...there's a lot there. Perhaps it is better to break it down a bit.

1. My beautiful niece Quinn Jillian Moody was born February 26, 2011. Even though I don't get to see her nearly as much as I would like, I love that little girl more than anything in this world.

2. I was selected with 3 others to help out with a pilot project helping new hires adapt to the job immediately after they graduate from our training department. We basically work with them for 8 weeks preparing them for the next level. It has been 1 week and I am exhausted but super happy! It is twice the work but so worth it!

3. Women of Faith couldn't have come at a better time. It was an awesome trip with my sisters in Christ and it will not soon be forgotten.

4. Dating...ya...about that... So I suck at it and I am not doing it any more! Enough said!

5. I officially said good bye to the State of Washington last month when I obtained an Idaho driver's license. I also said good bye to the last name of Thompson. There is nothing left that says "Lindsay Thompson" on it. In all honesty, it was a little more difficult than I thought it would be. I have been living in Idaho for almost 3 years now, but had managed to avoid getting a new driver's license until September 23, 2011. Stupid expiration dates!! Seriously! They always make them on your birthday. Why do they do that?!? "Happy Birthday from the Department of Motor Vehicles! You now get to sit for hours waiting in a room with screaming children and angry parents in order to pay to take a test on something you have been doing for 11 years!" Of course I failed the first time (through no fault of my own...well almost no fault of my own) and had to wait for a week to go back and take it! Nothing like driving on an expired license from the wrong state with the wrong last name! I will say that it literally took absolutely every piece of will power within me NOT to stick my tongue out at the stupid computer that I had to take the dumb test on! Well, after a week of breaking the law (at least I now have street credibility for my rap career), I became an official Idaho resident with the last name Moody. Blah. Oh, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being Moody. I have been that for 26 of my 27 years on this planet. But Idaho?? No offense to you Idaho lovers but I really like, well, anywhere but here. Being in possession of my temporary Idaho license (yep 11 days later I am waiting for what should have been here in 10 days...a permanent license) only confirms what I have successfully avoided facing for 3 years. I am 27, divorced, single, and living in Idaho. Three of those four things were never supposed to happen. Turning 27 was inevitable and although I never wanted to be referred to as "in my late 20's", I really don't have much choice in that matter. Being single isn't even all that bad and honestly hadn't bothered me until my recent disastrous turn in the dating world. Now I am acutely aware of my old maid status and all of a sudden coming home to an empty apartment is not nearly as fun as it use to be! But the worst part, the part that I have the hardest time swallowing, and admitting to myself...DIVORCE. Yes, I have been this way for 2 years, 5 months, and 8 days (but who's counting). No, I don't have amnesia or brain damage (although the brain damage part my recent date would probably confirm). It is just that as long as I had my shiny Washington license with the last name Thompson on it, it wasn't reality. I had dual citizenship! I walked with one foot in Washington as a married woman, and one foot in Idaho as a single woman. I got the best of both worlds! Not any more. The minute I signed off on my new "commitment" to Idaho, my fight or flight kicked in, as it always does when I am faced with any sort of act of committing, and I was instantly planning my move to anywhere that didn't have blue and orange as their home town university's colors! Well, when I gave up my Washington "citizenship" and my married name, I decided that I needed to really cut the ties. That's right! I un-friended the Seattle Seahawks and the Seattle Mariners on Facebook! I know they are are probably emotionally wounded by my sudden rejection, but it had to be done. It was time to stop gazing longingly at the T.V. during Seahawk home games all the while wishing I was at Qwest (now Century Link Field) cheering with all the other blue and neon green fans. No more choking back tears when aerial shots of the city would show the Space Needle and Pike's Place Market. No more cheering on the Mariners just because of all of my awesome memories of hours spent at Safeco Field. No More! So, I am back to cheering on my Kansas City Chiefs and Chicago Cubs. I now dream of the day I will get to visit Arrowhead Stadium and Wrigley Field.

So, as you can see, it has been an eventful 7 months. Life is crazy and shows little to no signs of ever slowing down and I am sure that the next 7 months are going to be just as full of changes and twists and turns!