First Christmas Home...In A Long Long Time

I just finished celebrating my first Christmas at home in years (literally). It was wonderful. I was able to see my grandparents and cousins on my dad's side of the family on Christmas Eve. I loved every minute!! I love them so much and had a great time catching up!! Christmas morning was a lot of fun as well. Of course there were a couple emotional moments where I thought I was going to lose it and break down and cry, but overall it was an absolutely wonderful day! I sort of wish that every day was Christmas (not because of the presents). I enjoy the peace and quiet and the relaxation. There were reminders of my situation around every corner but it was bearable without the additional stress of every day life. There were no lawyers to call or records to request or any business to do at all. It was a nice breather from the high stress days that I have endured for the past four weeks.

All that is left now is to get a job. I have a phone interview with Tmobile on Tuesday so keep your fingers crossed!!! :)

Merry Late Christmas to Everyone!!

The End of Another Long Night

It seems that the whittyness and the piffiness has been sucked right out of me. I am exhausted and it seems everyday brings a new challenge and another horrible reminder of my circumstances. I miss sleep. True, wonderful, blissful, restful sleep. I miss enjoying food. Right now I am walking around with the feeling that I have been kicked in the stomach. Food is painful to eat. UGH!!!! Frustration at its highest form.

I am hoping that the piffy and witty Lindsay returns shortly and there will be no more depressing posts.

Job Hunt

I moved back to Idaho on Monday and now I am in desperate need of a job. Does anyone in Idaho know of a company hiring??? At this point I will do anything as the need to stay busy is paramount in my life at this point. I open to any and all suggestions!! Thanks!

All Moved In and Other Things

Well...we made it! We are moved into our new condo. We still have a few things over at the old place but for the most part we are moved in. Of course, there are a bazillion boxes everywhere and endless laundry. I will eventually get unpacked and school finished. I just hate hate hate moving and strongly dislike unpacking.

There have been other things going on. We were the unfortunate recipients of some really bad news last Tuesday. Josh doesn't want me to get into detail but let's just say that the failing economy hit home. It is all good though. God is in control and we just take things one day at a time.

Thanksgiving is around the corner and I just want to say what I am thankful for. I am thankful for the brand new beautiful condo, my husband whom I am soo proud of, and for God's faithfulness and provision in good times and bad.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

My Amazing Cousin

I have to take this moment to brag on my awesome cousin Ethan. Ethan is not your average 14 (almost 15) year old. He is possibly the most awesome kid in history. He has the best hear. I mean the kid volunteers at the Veteran's home as much as he possibly can in between getting awesome grades, being a star football player, and acing his driver's ed test. I am soo proud of my cousin that I beam every time I talk about him. When I was 14 I was worried about shopping and doing frivolous things that had nothing to do with thanking the men and women who have served our country!! To my man, Ethan, YOU ROCK!!!

Overwhelmed

Ok, so welcome to my crazy, non-stop existence. I have decided that my life has and never will slow down. So, whether you are interested or not, here is my schedule for the next two weeks:

Monday: work, homework, packing
Tuesday: work, homework, packing
Wednesday: packing and begin moving
Thursday: work, homework, packing
Friday:work, homework, packing, surface clean of new condo
Saturday: work, moving, unpacking
Sunday: work, unpacking

Monday: work, homework, unpacking
Tuesday: homework, comcast cable guy, unpacking, counseling
Wednesday: homework, packing for Thanksgiving
Thursday: drive to Ellensburg, eating turkey, homework
Friday: drive home, homework
Saturday: cry from exhaustion
Sunday: crash out

So, as you can see I am quite busy. Now, I am sure that some of you are thinking, "Wow! Lindsay is just whining about everyday life." For all you haters, please remember that in between all of that, I am a wife and a puppy mommy. That is right people. I have to cook dinner and give Gizmo love and attention. I am talking some major cuddle time with the men in my life. Also, because I was flat on my butt for two weeks with a fever of 100, I am crazy behind in school. So much so that passing is in question. So not only am I doing every day homework, but I am also playing catch up.

I have simply resigned myself to not seeing Josh until his second shoulder surgery on December 10th.

Back to homework!!!

Our New Home

BIG news!!!!! Josh and I have found the most perfect condo to rent. We have to leave our current apartment because they are raising the rent from $1250 a month to $1400. We definitely cannot afford that. We haven't liked living here but we couldn't afford to move. You can imagine how stressful it was to find out that we could neither afford our current apartment nor afford to move. Well, after seeing about a billion apartments (only a slight exageration) and struggling to come up with moving costs, God dropped the perfect home into our laps. I was seriously starting to just give up and was beyond stressed about making ends meet with our rent going up. This was the last place we looked at it and from the moment we walked into the front door, Josh and I fell in love. We couldn't ask for better landlords and as far as moving costs....non-existent. We got the first month half off, the deposit is $500 which is 100% refundable, we can move in any time after tomorrow without prorated November rent (so November is free!!). I don't have enough room to tell you all how wonderful this new place is. I just can't believe that we found something soo nice and for a price we can more than afford!! Just when I thought we were at the rock bottom of apartment huntting, God came through in a BIG way.

To All You Overachievers...You're Welcome!

Ok....it is official. I am avoiding homework. It is 10:57 p.m. and I have done absolutely ZERO homework. I am actually rather impressed with my madskills of procrastination and time squandering. I believe that this is a true lost art. There are only a handful of people in this world that truly know how to correctly manage and hone this important skill. If we didn't have squanderers, we would not have overachievers. How would we know if someone was going above and beyond and achieving greatness, if no one under achieved and fell far below expectations??? To you honor roll students and child prodigies, you are welcome for my services.

*Footnote*
To all you aspiring under-achievers. Be sure not to under-achieve too frequently or too effectively. You do not want to over achieve at under achieving!!

Babies

That is right! Two blogs...One night!!! Could this mean that I have more whitty and piffy things to say or could it be that I am desperately avoiding homework?? This is a mystery that may never be solved. At any rate, I digress.

So the most inconvenient thing happened to me upon turning 24 (yes I am now admitting my age). My biological clock started thundering in my ears. Now, I know that I am no where NEAR being ready emotionally and physically for a baby. I am still trying to figure out my Yorkie. I can only imagine trying to navigate my through infantdom. However, these facts in no way muffle the sound of my fleating youth ticking away at every turn. This is not helped by the fact that I am completely surrounded by babies, pregnancy, and commercials for reversable birth control. I literally ran out of Target tonight with the things I needed b/c I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborns. I guess I now know what everyone in Redmond was up to all summer!! AGH!!!!! I have this irrational fear that my clock will be all ticked out by the time I hit 25 and then what am I going to do???? The only logical response is to produce two kids between now and next September!!! My husband does not share my logic. Who cares! We all know that men are the most illogical creatures on the planet. If only I had the time to try to convince him that our only hope is for twins and we have to do it NOW!! What if it takes years for him to see it my way???? Frankly that is not a risk I can afford to take. I only have 9 good months of my youth left!!!!!!!! The quest for a baby has so consumed me that I have constructed evil plots on the most effective route to motherhood. The fact the my plan to have a baby has brought out the worst in me should be a sign that it is ludicrous for me to possibly be an effective parent.

OH THE DILEMNA AND DRAMA THAT IS MY LIFE!!!!

*I have stalled enough. Back to Dramatic Literature*

A Blonde's Guide to Navigating the Tricky Inlaws

I always knew that life/marriage would be a balancing act but I had no idea how much balancing it would take. Inlaws are tricky. When navigating through the dangerous "no-man's land" of inlaws it is important to understand a couple basic rules:

1. You MARRIED into the family. You were NOT BORN into the family. There is a distinct
difference and you must never forget this.

2. The family has been doing things a certain way for at least 20 years and are in no way
interested in where you come from or how you do things. Despite what they may say, they
are not remotely intrigued by what you bring (from the outside) to the table.

3. Their baby boy (your husband) will always be their baby boy and it won't matter how long he
has been married or will be married, they will always believe that "they had him first".

These basic rules are extremely important and imperative that you remember them. The correct application of these rules will save you many tears, angry rants, and loads of frustration.

YOU'RE WELCOME!!

Lost

I feel so lost. I have such a sense of hopelessness. I feel so demoralized and anxious. I am sure those reading this know why I am feeling this way. I have a deep profound sense that there has been a great loss in my life. I have cried and prayed. All that is left is to have faith that God is in control.

365 Days

Yesterday was Josh and my one year anniversary. I can't believe how fast this past year flew by. It was definitely a struggle at times but overall, marriage is a wonderful experience.

Josh gave me a big surprise last night. We hadn't planned on doing much other than exchange cards and have a quiet evening at home. When I walked in the front door of our apartment the room was pitch black and filled with tea lights. Josh had set up wedding pictures, candles, roses, and champagne. It was soo romantic!!! Then he took me to dinner to the place that we ate our first meal as husband and wife. We even sat in the same booth!!!! When we came home we sat in our dark apartment and Josh built a fire. It was soo incredibly nice to just sit and reflect on the past year and plan for our future together.

Biggest Loser...Beware MAJOR Venting!!!!!

Ok, so Josh and my favorite tv show is Biggest Loser. We watch it religiously every Tuesday. Since the beginning of this season I have been irritated and over the weeks this has eaten away until I am ready to explode.

I started out instantly hating the Brown Team. They are evil; especially Vicki! I loathe her (loathe may be too tame). Then, after a couple of episodes, I really really started disliking Heba. In recen episodes that dislike and loathing has turned into deep anger and irritation beyond words. I HATE THE BLUE TEAM!!!!! They are conniving, sneeky, poor sports, and just evil. I hate that they are beating the Black Team. The Black team has a great attitude and soo much focus and drive. They are genuinely great people who have the right focus. Tonight I cried as Phil went home.

Did I mention that I HATE THE BLUE TEAM!!!!!!!!!!! I wish evil upon them (I know that is bad!!!) Josh was laughing earlier b/c of the sheer venom that I was projecting towards the tv. I get angry just thinking about it. Why do they have to be sooo evil?????????? AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Election Fever

I don't know about anyone else but I have Election Fever. It is a condition that is developed when an individual has watched WAAAAY too much news and has consequently developed an acute case of anxiety and random ticks. The sheer activity of the twitching then, in turn, causes the body tempture to rise. Thus, Election Fever.

I know that this may sound far fetched and perhaps a bit over the top, but at this moment in my life I swear that I have this condition. My body and mind are on complete over load. My emotions have been toyed with and I find that I am liable to break down at any moment. Such shows as ER, Law and Order SVU, and all Hallmark commercials have been rendered off limits as they often reduce me to tears.

The only cure is to turn off all cable news channels and stop listening to the commentators. That of course does not work because like all addictions, I have become emotionally and physically addicted to the chaos.

My only hope is for November 4th to come so I can decide whether or not I am going to be moving to Canada on November 5th.

What Did I Get Myself In To?!?!?!?

It is 11:54 on a working night. I have to be up at 6 am and have another two hours of homework to complete before tomorrow. I must admit that I totally underestimated how difficult it would be to go back to school with a full time job and a full time husband. I have 6 papers in Theatre due tomorrow and a big assigment in another class due as well. On top of that I have four chapters of discussion to catch up on in Microeconomics. That, of course, means that I have to read those four chapters.

I understand the immense benefits that await me upon my graduation, however I am two years out from those rewards and three weeks into the 1st term of my junior year of college. My husband has been amazing. He has cooked, cleaned, ran errands, put together a chair and a difficult desk, and put up with my stressed out tears. I am soo blessed to have him. All of this makes me feel even more guilty about not spending more time and energy on my marriage and on Josh. He assures me that he doesn't feel neglected and has no problem being here to support me, but there is that part of me that is eager to be the perfect wife. I feel as though I am not only failing miserably at school (that's dumb b/c I have straight A's) but I am failing at home to.

Am I selfishly pursuing my own passions and desires at the cost of my husband and marriage?? I have a bizillion questions that I can not answer and frankly don't have the energy to explore much further. What I do know is that I am exhausted and sitting here blogging is not getting my papers done and not getting me into bed any faster.

ugh

Whew....Made It!!

Well, I made it through the first week of school. I have discovered just how undisciplined I am. I had most of the week off of work so I had BIG plans of all the house/school work I was going to get done. I got done.....ZIP!!! I waited until 8:30 tonight to complete my Econ assignments and the house is still a disaster zone. I didn't think it was going to be so hard to get back into "student mode" after three years....I was sooooo wrong! I found so many more interesting things to do than school work. I had lunch with Josh, went shopping, put together my desk and school supplies (yes I purchase a few), and generally just floated through the week. In a vain attempt to be productive I went to Starbucks for a few hours on Friday. I thought that perhaps if I sat in the store, typed away at my laptop, and sipped my venti non-fat extra foam caramel machiatto, that I would at least look the part of student if no actually become one. Didn't work.

Oh well, I am sure it will get easier and motivation will return when I least expect it. In the mean time I am back to cramming and procrastination. I must say that I feel quite at home!!

Another Great Adventure and School Supplies

Ok, so going back to college isn't THAT big of an adventure. However, as I face Monday (the first day of school) I find myself a bit nervous and excited. I haven't been a student for three years and yet I am experiencing all the same feelings I had when I was in elementary and high school. I have the greatest urge to go school supply shopping. During a recent shopping trip to Target for a mop and sponges (very domestic, I know), I suddenly took a detour and ended up in the school supply section. Before I knew it, I had a backpack, a lunch box, pink erasers, binders, and a plethera of other Back-To-School items. When Josh finally caught up with me in the store and witnessed my potential purchases, he reminded me of one teeny, tiny detail...I am finishing my Bachelors via Distance Education and from the comfort of my own home (possibly from the comfort of my own couch). This minute detail made the vast majority of my purchases obsolete. Also the fact that I am not going into 3rd grade, made my crayola crayons and markers look a bit ridiculous. Needless to say, I put all of my supplies back and went about my business.

I am not going to give up so easily. I am going to be getting a refund on my student loans and Josh and others shouldn't be surprised if I come home with a whole slew of new and exciting school supplies!

Tuning 23....again

So, Tuesday is my birthday. I have decided now is good time to stop aging. In light of this grand decision, I am going to turn 23...again. I am not ready to be "mid twenties" and frankly I don't feel like I am that old. Thus, I begin a new chapter of my life. I have officially entered the "it's not polite to ask a woman her age" era.

Finally Newlyweds....

I am ecstatic to announce that I am a NEWLYWED!!!! I know you may be a bit confused as I have been married almost a year. Let me just say that the first 10 months were beyond difficult and at times tested the vows that Josh and I said to one another. However, it looks as though we have gotten past soo many of the things that were destroying our happiness and marriage. I am soo happy. I feel like a newlywed for the first time since our honeymoon. Month 11 has been amazing and I am enjoying falling in love with my husband all over again. God is soo good and I am finally understanding how a marriage that is based on Him and His Will can be the most amazing thing in the world!!! I love being a newlywed!!!!

Ho Hum

I should be alseep. I have to get up and go to work in 6 hours. Tra la la la...I'm not sleepy. Just thought I would share.

Life's Many Confusions

It occurred to me today that no one reads my blog. That isn't a horrible thought, although it does make me feel a bit rejected. However, I am finding that this has been a very therapeutic activity. And so it continues.

As I get older, I find that I am more and more confused by life. When I was younger I thought I would have life figured out by the time I was in my 20s. Well, here I am at 23 and more confused than ever. I am still searching for my place and what I am supposed to be when I grow up. I find that relationships are even more complicated. There are certain people that are in my life that drive me crazy. There is no other way to put it. There are times that I feel I can tolerate these people and even possibly like them, and just as I relax, they do something utterly ridiculous, insensitive, rude, hurtful, and irritating, and I find myself wishing I didn't have to tolerate any more ridiculous behavior. Unfortunately, these are people I have no choice but to coexist with. I feel as though I am in a constant state of double standards and uncertainty. Again....Confusion!

It is not that I am unhappy or discontent. I am actually quite pleased with most aspects of my life. I love my job, my husband, and my puppy. Happiness isn't the issue. I am just incredibly confused and perplexed by the complexity of life.

I would like to meet someone who has it figured out. Are you there???

Codependancy

Josh's recent absence has shown me that most of the time codependancy is a pain in the butt. There was a time, not so long ago, that I loved living and being alone. I loved having my own space and loved having my own time. Then all that changed. Some guy came around and now I have complete breakdowns when I am alone. I have to call everyone I know because the silence in my apartment is driving me up the wall. My entire life I preached independance...now I depend on someone else. WHAT HAPPENED???????? The ironic thing is that Josh will come back tomorrow night and I will wish I had the apartment to myself again! Oh the vicious circle that is codependancy!!!

Lonely

Tonight I am lonely. Josh has been in Idaho since Wednesday and won't be back until Sunday. I couldn't go for a plethera of reasons but mainly because I couldn't get off work on Thursday. I don't like being away from Josh and this is the longest we have been apart since we got married 8 months ago. I haven't really made friends up here and not having Josh has really shown me just how few friends I have. In some ways I have enjoyed my time alone, but mostly I just miss Josh soo much it hurts. I didn't realize how accustomed I have gotten to having him lying next to me in bed at night. In the last two nights, I have woken up several times and reached for Josh. I had a few moments of panic when he wasn't there.

This is probably an overly dramatic blog. Josh is coming home in two days. In the mean time, Gizmo and I are going to watch movies, eat ice cream, and vegitate.

Lessons From Anne of Green Gables

Lately I have been incredibly homesick and trying to figure out who I am and where I am going. I think I have a bit of post-matrimonial depression. Yes, I just made that up. I highly doubt that this is a real condition, but in my mind, it is a horrible disease that inflicts millions of newly married women every year. In reality I am probably just feeling the effects of the last three years. They have been the most difficult years of my short 23 year life. I am coming out of the storm and am now picking up the pieces. I have changed so much over the last few years and lately I have been searching desperately for who I was before all of the hurt and dissapointment took over my life. Am I scared to be happy again? Do I find my identity in the pain? Why can't I just break through??

For the past several days I have been watching the Anne of Green Gables series. I even made Josh dig out the old VCR so I could watch the videos. I am finding that it makes me even more homesick. I can't help but remember what it was like the first time I watched these movies and how I had the world's biggest crush on Gilbert Blythe. It brings back soo many memories of my childhood best friend Ashley Peterson, who introduced me to the series. I think about my parents, specifically my mom. She use to watch the movies with me and would laugh at the dramatic things Anne said, mainly b/c her daughter (me) seemed to be just as dramatic. It is in these moments of memories that for the first time in a really long time, I have felt like "Lindsay" again. I had better stop this before I start crying.

These memories are all so bittersweet. Those days are over and I can never go back to how it was. I can't erase three years of hurt, anger, sadness, and seeming endless tears. I miss the simplicity of life. I miss my innocence. I miss home and what home meant. I don't understand why things have to change and people have to go away. Why can't things just stay the same?

I know that the coming days and years are going to bring new challenges and circumstances I can't control. I know that I am going to grow and change. However, no matter how many things change and where life takes me, the way I feel when watching Anne of Green Gables is real and is the core of who I am. I am a small town potato farmer's daughter from Kuna, Idaho. The only thing to do now, is build on that.

Surgery and Such

We recently found out that Josh has to have surgery on his shoulder. About 4 years ago Josh was in a serious car accident with his parents. He ended up breaking his shoulder but nobody knew it. Now he is having serious pain and problems with it. While it is only orthoscopic surgery, it is a bit scary to me to have my new husband go under the knife (ok, a bit dramatic). At any rate, Josh will be meeting with a surgeon very soon and we will just have to go from there. My biggest fear is not Josh having the actual procedure, but rather the recovery. I am definitely not a care giver and I tend to lose patience. What if I fail this first true test of being a good wife? I don't want to hurt Josh either physicaly or emotionally. I find this whole situation rather daunting. I guess time will tell.

My Blog

Hello. I have decided to create a blog, not because I am arrogant enough to believe that people truly care about my life and what I think, but mainly because I communicate best through writing. I often can express myself better when I put it down on paper. So much of who I am has changed in the past 4 years and I think that through this blog others and I can better understand exactly who I am. So, for better or worse, I would like to introduce you all to Just Lindsay.