The Single Dilemma

No one ever told me. I never knew. It would have been super helpful if someone, anyone, would have sat me down and explained how this whole "single" thing would go. A simple, "Hey Lindsay! So you know how you are going through a divorce and the end result will be that you will no longer be married and will then be classified as single...well if you hit a certain age (26/27) and are still single, that is going to freak out a lot of people around you and the pressure to get married and start a family will be, at times, unbearable. Just a heads up!" would have sufficed and prepared me for what lay ahead. Well maybe not totally prepared me, but at least taken some of the mystery and surprise out of it. The word "surprised" really doesn't adequately describe it. Words like "horrify", "humiliated", "confused", and "exasperated" would probably be a bit more accurate. One the most frequent (and probably least favorite) things I hear from people is, "How are you still single??" To which my reply is usually, "I don't know, you might want to call my ex-husband and ask him why he didn't want me." Ok, ok - I don't reply like that (it would make things a little too awkward), but I really really want to one of these days! If nothing more than to enjoy the shocked look on the other person's face! =) I usually reply something like this, "Haha (awkward/uncomfortable giggle), well, I just haven't met anyone that I feel I should pursue a relationship with." I get that the people saying these things to me are coming from a place of good intentions. Usually after they ask me about my singleness they follow up with a list of reasons that make me the most eligible bachelorette at DirecTv (yes the above conversation almost always inevitably ALWAYS happens at work). It is flattering, but most of the time I just wish that people would leave me alone about it.

The truth and the real answer behind the whole single thing...I am just not ready. I am not ready to get out there and face a world of dating which almost always comes with the fear of rejection, confusion, pressure, and a whole slew of other emotions and situations that I am just not ready or willing to put myself through. I have been extremely reluctant to even go on first dates but had no idea how un-ready I was until a recent attempt at rejoining the single scene. Five dates, 2.5 weeks - all with the same person. Not bad...I can't tell you how to lose a guy in 10 days but I am sure I could write a 5 part series on how to lose him in 17.5! This is the break down:

Met some guy through a friend. Says he wants to learn about DirecTv plans. Send him an extremely professional message on Facebook. He adds me as a friend and subsequently asks me out. I say yes...wait! What am I doing?? No, no, no! This can't be a date! No dating! How do I get out of this? It would be rude to cancel so here goes nothing!!!

First Date: Fun! A little nervous but that is normal, and he is a super nice guy so that makes it a bit easier.

Second Date: Again, Fun! Still super nervous. Drop popcorn all over theater floor, again super nice guy so it turns out ok.

Third Date: Uh oh...I could get into real trouble here. Not only super nice guy, easy to talk to, but also super easy to look at...not good, not good at all...probably a good time to start pushing away...

Fourth Date: Big trouble...starting to kinda like him...no good can come of this! Quick! Act like an idiot, tell him about all your issues...talk incessantly about your ex-husband, talk 100 miles an hour, forget to breathe, RUN!!!!!!

Meeting in Group of People: too much pressure, can't breathe, they keep calling me his girlfriend...NO!!! Run!! You can't be someone's girlfriend!! That means you are in a relationship!! Relationships mean extreme, excruciating pain!! They all want us to be "together"! I am not ready for that! Where do these people get their big ideas anyway??? I just met them 10 minutes ago! He is awfully cute but he scares the crap out of me! Quick! Continue to act like a blonde bimbo who has taken her brain out and forgot where she had it last! Start overcompensating and over analyzing everything. Apologize 50 times a day for non-issues that you shouldn't even be apologizing for in the first place!

Fifth Date: Relief!! He isn't ready for a relationship either. Thank goodness! I am going to leave for Women of Faith and never think about him again! Hooray for girl's weekends! Wait a minute! Now I really get to over analyze...why did he ever ask me out in the first place?? He pursued me! I have spent the last 2.5 weeks desperately trying to avoid all of this! Spend the entire "girl's weekend" texting back and forth. Kinda twitterpated. HELP!!! SOS!!! Where's the PANIC Button?!?

Come back home and continue to over compensate, say stupid crap, freak out, and act like an idiot until it all comes to a head and there you have it...how to lose a guy in 17.5 days!

When am I going to be ready to take on another date, another situation where I am vulnerable and will inevitably embarrass myself??? I have no idea. I am well aware that it has been 2 years and 10 months since I left Seattle. I am well aware that my divorce has been final for 2 years, 5 months, and 3 days. I know that I am "behind" for my age. I get that most 27 year olds are getting married, already married, or having babies. Right now, that doesn't matter to me. Sure, someday I would love to fall in love again, get married, have 2.5 kids, buy a house with a white picket fence, wear an apron, and bake pies. I am just not sure this is my time for that. Shouldn't I figure out a few things like, for example, my need to run and self destruct every time a cute guy who I could potentially fall for comes into my life?? I don't know about you, but I see my behavior as sort of a problem. For now, I see dating as an unnecessary emotional risk. So to all of you who's need for me to get married and have kids is stronger than the need I feel for those things...I am going to respectively ask you to keep it to yourself. I have enough anxiety without you telling me I am failing at yet another aspect of my life.

Thank you!